Share your jokes

[Captain Beefheart]

ingerlish man ..welshman..irishman they all arrive at the pearly gates together hoping to get in !! god comes along + says to them ewe must pass the test before i let ewe in,rite o they said,with that god says to them oi ewe must tell me the most best thing ewe like about xmas ? then if i like your answers ill let ewe in,so he says to the ingerlishman fire away,with this the ingerlishman pull out a flute starts blasting out oh come all ye faithful ....very nice your in,goes over to dai welshman asks him to fire away....with that dai pull out a bunch of car keys start jingleing them,god asks wats that dai ? he said its jingle bells ennit god,god replied your in.....by now he looks @ paddy + says fir away...with that paddy drops his trousers whips out a 10 in tool............god say fuk me paddy wats xmas about that ? paddy replies its a cracker !!! funny as fuk that fair play... :laugh:

[Smokey]

Q: How do you know you are a true stoner? A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Q: What do you call a pothead with two spliffs? A: Double jointed.

Q: What do you call one bowl between three tokers ? A: Malnutrition.

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip? A: Because pot holder was taken

Q: Did you hear about the kid that overdosed on weed? A: Neither did I.

Q: What do you call a family that grows Marijuana in their backyard? A: A Joint Family.

Q: What do you call a stoners wife? A: Mississippi

Q: What does marijuana and the Carolina Panthers have in common? A: They both get smoked in bowls. If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.

[Smokey]

Q: What is a stoners idea of a balanced diet? A: A joint in each hand!

Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed? A: Han So-high

Q: Why don't you see any pot heads in elementary school? A: Because they're all in HIGH school

Q: What do you call an apple pie getting high in Mcdonalds? A: A baked apple pie.

Q: What did the stoners girlfriend say? A: If I can't marry a dude, i'll Mary Jane

Q: What do you call money that grows on trees? A: Marijuana

Q: What do get when you soak a spliff in Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit!

Q: What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A: A baked potato.

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign? A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

Q: What do you call a stoner when horny? A: A weed wacker!

[Smokey]

[Smokey]

[Smokey]

[Smokey]

[Elijah Growz]

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a stupid police officer.

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

[Guest]

What is a broken pencil ✏??????

Pointless! ..

Did they mention bad jokes are OK????

[London Seed Centre]

This has not been a good day. After spending the last 12 months quarantined inside and going stir crazy I decided to go horse riding, something I haven't done in ages. It turned out to be a one big mistake!
I got on the horse and started out slowly, which was fine. But then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup, the horse was then going like the clappers with me on the ground with my foot stuck in the stirrup. The horse just would not stop it was out of control I've never known anything like it.
Thankfully the manager at Tesco came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't try to ride the machine again........